Anger doesn’t solve anything,it builds nothing,but it has the capacity to destroy everything
“ANGER” has the power to control us. We need to learn to control the anger. Before discussing the ways to manage the anger let us first focus on the of “Cycle of ANGER”.
We experience anger when we are triggered by a situation,people,actions or reactions. In order to control our anger we need to first Identify the triggering event. We need to check on our responses in order to control our actions.
Ways to manage/control ANGER :
Keep your cool
Avoid the “blame-game”
Get some exercise
Express your concerns
Don’t use harsh words
Don’t be sarcastic
Focus on the reason of experiencing the anger
Keep a check of your emotional and physical responses
Try to recollect a moment when you experienced anger .Now list down your experiences in the following category
Anger is an emotion that is experienced by everyone: toddler, child, teenager, young adult, and adults. But we also need to understand that it’s rooted from other experiences as well. I had a discussion with people of all the age groups and then could understand that anger can be experienced in different scenarios. Some of the experiences are as follows :
I feel ANGRY when I am SAD
I feel ANGRY when I REGRET
I feel ANGRY when I am HURT
I feel ANGRY when I am GUILTY
I feel ANGRY when I am LONELY
I feel ANGRY when I am ANXIOUS
I feel ANGRY when I am FEARFUL
I feel ANGRY when I am in GRIEF
I feel ANGRY when I am WORRIED
I feel ANGRY when I am REJECTED
I feel ANGRY when I am HELPLESS
I feel ANGRY when I am TRICKED
I feel ANGRY when I am INSECURE
I feel ANGRY when I am DEPRESSED
I feel ANGRY when I am FRUSTRATED
I feel ANGRY when I am HUMILIATED
I feel ANGRY when I am DISAPPOINTED
I feel ANGRY when I am EMBARRASSED
Before judging anyone for their outburst we need to understand that what the underlying cause. It will also be helpful for our self growth if we can analyse the cause of anger .Self analysis can help us to work on the solution rather expressing anger on the wrong people or place.
Reflection : Try and recollect an incident when you blasted someone or hurt someone or displayed your anger where you were not supposed to. Now, try to analyze the cause of experiencing anger what you were actually going through, What was your emotional state.
“Bullying” it’s an act performed to hurt others intentionally. This can take many forms -verbal, physical, cyber, and social bullying. It can happen anywhere -home, school, playground, cafe, workplace, etc., It can be done by anyone- parents, teachers, friends, classmates, boss, colleague, spouse, sibling, etc.,
Let’s discuss the reason of people bullying. So, if we focus on the word “BULLY” it stands for- Big, Ugly, Loner, Loser, Yearning for attention. The bully is the person who needs help compared to the victim. The bullies are not aware that they are displaying inappropriate behavior.
Who all are in Bullying ?
Why people Bully?
Lack of social skills
Strained relationship with peers-parents
Lack of empathy
Need of power
Physical punishment during childhood
Observed aggressive behavior among adults
Attention seeking behavior
Ways to combat Bullying :
Maintain eye contact
Reflective: Try and go back to your childhood who did first made you realize that you are black, brown, short, fat, too tall, skinny, or your features are not good enough. I am sure someone from the family(distant or immediate). Children just replicate what they learn.
So, let’s all of us focus and concentrate on accepting the differences rather than creating the differences.
Ted, a 15 yr old student grade 9 was behaving differently for a few weeks. He was not showing interest in participating in any co-circular activities. There was a significant drop in academic performance. Parents got concerned and tried to reach out to him but he refused to open up. Parents approached school and conveyed the same to the authorities. The school counselor approached Ted and tried to make him comfortable.
School counselor(SC) : Hello Ted ,How you doing ?
Ted : Hello ma’am, I am OK .
SC : Only Ok why not good? Is everything alright? Do you want to share something ?
Ted: Let it be ma’am you will not understand so no point discussing with you.
SC: Maybe you are correct but at least you can try what if I may be of some help.
Ted: No, you will tell my parents and Principal. I don’t want them to know because they will not understand the situation
SC: You are a smart chap you must be aware of the confidential clause of counseling.
Ted: Ya, I have watched that in movies and read in some articles. So, I can try and talk to you but you can’t help me because “I am good for nothing“, “Nobody likes me” and I will be alone.
SC: Oh OK, but what makes you think this way. I have seen you with some of your classmates/friends during recess time.
Ted: Ya, you are correct but what’s the point of having these friends in school if they can’t support me online. I feel so useless.
SC: Can you please explain it to me.I didn’t understand it.
Ted: Actually I have friends in school as you have also seen but these friends of mine don’t “LIKE” my post/ pics on social media account. My online friends get more “likes” than me and they kind of tease me. My online friends tell me that I am not popular among my friends that’s why they don’t like my post.
SC: OK so did you talk to your friends about it.What did they say?
Ted: Ya I spoke to them they didn’t give the on of not doing it and they have not taken it seriously. It means I am not important to them.
SC: So, they must be not spending time in school also with you right ?
Ted: They speak to me in school and help me with assignments/projects. We spend a good time during recess and after school. But I don’t understand why I don’t get likes for my post from people. I feel that no one likes me.
SC: Not really if they don’t like you they would have not spend time with you in person. If you are not getting “likes” for your post it doesn’t mean that people don’t like you. One like can’t decide your worth. Your worth is decided by your strengths, real-life friends, family, and environment. People should like for your behavior, attributes, and beliefs.
Ted: Oh ! really do you mean to say that “like” on Facebook or Instagram doesn’t decide my worth. My worth is decided by people around me and most importantly by myself first I have to be confident about myself. Thanks,it’s of great help from your side. It just changed my perspective. I was assuming and blaming myself, my closed ones. But now things are sorted and clear for me.
SC: You are always welcome and keep working on yourself so that people like you in person and not only on Social media.
This is for every one of us to keep working on your self so that people like you in person also and not only on social media.
Social media is a platform that helps us to stay connected and share our thoughts, important life events, create awareness for a social cause, showcase the talents and achievements. It’s a wonderful platform to know different cultures, hobbies, and people.
Dictionary meaning of the Social media: “websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or to participate in social networking“.
But unfortunately, its utility has faded over the period of time. It has just become a platform where people are uploading photos, people pining their locations, posting the pictures of the food etc.,
Undoubtedly, social media usage has a lot of benefits but the over usage has a horrifying consequences both physically and mentally.
Why do we use social media ?
To get more “LIKES”
To follow the trend and belong to the group
To escape from the real life problem
To feel involved
To stay updated
For general networking
For Teasing/trolling others
To share the opinion
To find like-minded people
To show how happening our life is by posting personal stuff(photos and videos) and many other such reasons
Impact of social media on our mental health :
As we can understand from the above diagram that every action performed by us or others on the social media has its own repercussion. For example : we use Facebook, Instagram, etc., when we feel sad, bored, or lonely. Once we log in these feelings gets triggered by seeing other’s pictures, activities, and posts it’s a vicious cycle. It generates an unexplained irritation,jealousy and frustration and most of the time we end up displaying our frustration on our closed ones(family and friends).We should all focus on using these platforms what they are meant for :-networking,connecting and sharing opinions.
Let’s spread the word that social media cannot replace human interaction. Try and recollect a situation when we were in trouble we were helped by our friends and families and not by Facebook friend or an Instagram follower. Let;s stay connected o people around us.
Reflection : Try and recollect a situation when you were in trouble you were helped by whom? whom did you approach for help? Facebook friend, Instagram follower, or people who were around you(friends or family). I am sure you got your answer. Hence, we can say that”Social media is a part of our life, not our life”
Let’s perseverance be your engine and hope your fuel
– H. JacksonBrown,Jr.
A conversation between a student and a counselor : John a teenager visits the school counselor to express his feeling.
John : Hello Ma’am, I am not feeling good since 2-3 days I think I am depressed.
Counselor : Okay so what happened? Would you like to discuss it with me?
John: Yeah! Actually one of my friend is ignoring me since 2-3 days.I am not very comfortable with it.
Counselor : Oh! OK so tell me are you feeling sad or depressed
John : Both are same right?Aren’t they ?
Counselor : No, they are different mental state.
John: Oh! okay so can you help me understand it how are they different because I have watched in movies and people around me using this statement very casually. If I understand I can correct my people I know.
Counselor : Ya sure why not so Depression and Sadness differs in the following ways :
It is a mental condition
It is a normal human emotion like happiness ,anger etc.,
It is a long term condition
It is a temporary phase
In this condition one feels sad about everything
In this phase we feel sad about something
It generates the feeling of helplessness, worthlessness and hopeless.
It generates low feeling, disappointments and irritation.
It blocks the ability to find the solution of the problem which leads to hopelessness and helplessness
One tries to look for the solution of the problem
Persistent sadness leads to depression
It is a part of depression but not depression
One looses the interest in the daily activities
One looses interest in the daily activities(may be for 1-2 days)
It affects social and occupational aspects of life
It doesn’t affect other aspects of life majorly
One experiences suicidal thoughts
One doesn’t experience suicidal thought as its a temporary phase
Treatment : Counselling ,support groups and medication
Relief: crying, venting, or talking out frustrations
Difference between Depression and Sadness
As we can understand that feeling sad and feeling depressed are different experiences. We should try to be conscious while choosing the words to express ourselves.
“NO”, “NO”, “NO” just imagine a world full of “NO” for us I m sure none of us will like it. But unfortunately, we are creating a negative world for our little ones. We are raising them in an environment where they just hear what they shouldn’t/should do, constantly compare them, and most of the time we impose our goals/dreams on them.
As a parent we expect our child to “BE” the following :
Be more “Positive”
Be more “Resilient”
Be more “Accepting”
Be less “Critical”
Be less “Judgmental”
Be more “FAIR”
Be less “Punitive”
Be more “Loving”
Be more “Assertive”
Be more “Approachable”
Be less “Agitated”
Be more “Focus”
Be more “Organised”
Be more “Empathetic”
Be more “Reliable”
Be less “Threatening “
Be more “Humorous”
Be more “Expressive”
Be more “Realistic”
Be more “Consistent”
Be less “Reactive”
We can keep adding what we expect from our children but how much are we practicing is important. Because children grow up observing us as their “Role Model”.
REFLECTIVE : Let’s look at the expectations mentioned above and analyse ourselves.
Strela, 13 yr old studentof a reputed school hailing from affluent family. She was jovial and popular among her friends. But eventually, her performance was dropping and behavioral changes were also observed by her friends, teachers, and parents like: withdrawal, aggressive and remaining sad most of the time. But no one could understand the definite cause.
Finally,one of her teacher took the initiative to talk to her. During the conversation teacher learned that Strela is feeling worthless. Her self belief has changed from “I am good” to “Am I good ?”. While talking to her it was reflected that she was not comfortable with her body. Lately, she has gained weight and it seems that everyone around her was teasing her and suggesting her to become thin/slim. Her friends were telling her that “FAT” girls are not “BEAUTIFUL”. Constantly hearing these remarks from her close one’s have changed her thoughts. She started believing that she is not beautiful hence no one likes her and she will not be able to achieve anything .
Let’s try to understand the chain reactions which leads to the feeling of worthlessness among most of us :
As we now understand the pattern of this cycle so we need to now learn how we can break this chain.So, please have a look in the following chain to understand.
The journey from self-doubt to self-belief can be covered by just accepting ourselves. First, we need to accept our body, mind and only then we will able to fight with the world. Because “Being BEAUTIFUL” is not only looking pretty one should be strong, kind, generous and etc,…
REFLECTIVE: Take a mirror and look into your eyes call out your name and say “I love you and I accept you ” everyone will ave different reactions some may have teary eyes or some of us just don’t want to do it. But trust me this is the one of the way to feel “I AM GOOD”.